"For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." 2 Corinthians 7:10
"The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother." Proverbs 29:15
I'm humbly tackling a subject here with which I recognize I have no authority of experience. However, with the Word as my guide, I'll attempt to share my thoughts.
It seems that in many current discussions about child training and discipline the rod is a hot topic and given quite a bit of attention. I have been recently challenged to give more attention to the understanding of reproof. Not only in training my child, but also in how to humbly give and receive Biblical reproof in my own walk with Jesus.
"For godly grief produces a repentance... whereas worldly grief produces death."
What is the difference between godly grief and worldly grief? I believe godly grief is a true sadness, a remorsefulness over ones' own sin that comes about because of a desire to live rightly in Christ. In contrast, worldly grief could be a sadness over one's lack of possessions as compared to their neighbor, an envious mourning of another's success. Or, in relation to child training, a merely external obedience that a child displays when she is told to obey. When a child is told "no" and quits her behavior, yet grumpily stomps off, whines, or displays a sour attitude for a time, it is blatantly obvious to parents and adults that the child is unhappy about her discipline. One wonders if any good was accomplished in the child's heart-training at that moment.
I would like to suggest that when Biblical reproof is missing from discipline and training, children stumble into worldly grief over their sin that only exasperates them and provokes them to anger. Over time, their little hearts become hardened to their own sinfulness.
"Fathers, do not provoke your child to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4
Not only must we be careful to not provoke children to anger, but we must instead–in its place–use Scriptures to discipline and instruct them. Let's say little Sarah is at the playground with her mother. Sarah attempts a gravity-defying feat of strength on the slide. Mom tells her repeatedly to stop, yet she continues to disobey. Mom, frustrated, physically removes Sarah from the slide. She gets on her level and says, "I told you to stop. If you don't stop, we're going home! Do you understand?" Sarah wiggles within her mother's grasp, appears sullen and mumbles "Ok Mommy." Mom gives her a hug and Sarah is on her way. Little Sarah's heart is momentarily sad because she was forced to stop, and she doesn't attempt her slide-feat again, but only for fear of ending her playtime.
Is anything wrong with this scenario? Perhaps it could work to bring a child into obedience, but the Lord instructs us to do something more.
So what must we do? Make the most of every opportunity (Colossians 4:5) and utilize the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17). "Sarah, Mommy told you to stop. What does God's Word tell us about obedience?" At this time Mom can share with her little daughter Ephesians 6:1, "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Ask her, "Were you obeying Mommy when I told you to stop?" Mom gently probes her daughter's heart to draw out an awareness of her own sin. When one is aware of their own sin in light of God's Truth, that is "godly grief."
Why does Scripture make a difference? One, I believe parents are instructed to use it (Eph 6:4), and two,
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12
Parents must seek wisdom and understanding. We must be faithful to our calling as moms and dads and know God's Word for the sake of our children. We must challenge one another to "write it on the tablet of our heart." (Proverbs 7:3)
"The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction." Proverbs 16:21
"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5
There is a big difference, I would caution, between using Scripture to help draw out a child's understanding of sin and merely quoting Scripture at them. Do you see the difference in our scenario if Mom says to Sarah, "Sarah, God says that children must obey their parents. You sinned because you disobeyed Mommy. Now, go play and be sure to obey when I tell you." While perhaps well-intentioned and gently spoken, I believe this style of reproof would likely bring about worldly grief in our little Sarah. She is not given the opportunity to understand her own sin.
Ask children questions, probe their little hearts and minds, give them the chance to understand themselves in light of Scripture. This is the joy of parenting and training up children in righteousness. We must probe our child's little heart in order to draw out "godly grief that leads to repentance which brings salvation without regret." It takes so much more time and effort, but produces a harvest of righteousness and peace (Hebrews 12:11).
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness." 2 Timothy 3:16
In 2 Corinthians 7:11, Paul continues on about what this godly grief produced,
"For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment!"
I love The Message translation here,
"And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible..."
What parent wouldn't desire a child who is alive, concerned, sensitive, reverent, human, passionate, and responsible?! Training our children with godly discipline produces a harvest of righteousness and peace (Hebrews 12:11).
